Buy This $85 Million NYC Penthouse, Get Two Free Tickets Off This Plebeian Planet

It's a trap!!!

Hello, are you very rich? Are you looking to set yourself apart from every other Russian oligarch laundering their money through megaluxe penthouses? Do you feel your rooftop-pagoda-slash-personal-spa set up has become passé? Have you grown bored of heckling the sad unwashed plebes from your sprawling wraparound terrace? Do you want more for your billions—more amenities, more exclusivity, more bragging rights, more power? One local realtor has a deal for you: Spend tens of millions of dollars on this condo, and he'll throw in two rocket tickets, on the house. Soon, you'll be looking down on everyone, everything really, from the most exclusive vantage point there is: Outer space.

According to the NY Times, you can purchase the 45th floor of The Atelier, a star-studded tower on 42nd Street near the West Side Highway, for $85 million. No one seems to want to, though—the 25-room unit has been stalled at this list price since 2013—and in order to attract the right buyer, broker Daniel Neiditch has devised a long list of extras. It wouldn't be enough for the next resident to be able to say things like, "Sure, use any of my 13 bathrooms": I mean, this penthouse doesn't even have a dishwasher, so you're going to have to do better than the basics if you want to get the high-high rollers through the door.

As such, Neiditch incentivized the sale by throwing in:

• Two (2) humans: A live-in butler and a private chef who will cook for the new owner for a full year

• Three (3) cars: Two Rolls Royce Phantoms and a Lamborghini

• One (1) Hamptons rental mansion, good for one summer

• One (1) yacht, with docking fees covered for five years

• One (1) year of weekly dinners at the Michelin-starred restaurant, Daniel

• One (1) $2,000,000 construction allowance

• Two (2) tickets to space, date TBD

Neiditch told the Times he wants to "give [non-New Yorkers] the basis of a New Yorker's lifestyle"—an interesting interpretation of the concept.

Advertising a NYC apartment with half a dozen ways to get far, far away from NYC is a weird way to go about enticing someone to set up a life here (I guess you've gotta assume they won't). But let us suspend our disbelief and instead crunch some numbers.

Let's say the Phantoms, a discontinued model, cost about $334,000 each, and the Lamborghini costs about $200,000. Maybe the mansion runs you roughly $165,000 for the season. According to the realty company, the yacht itself carries a $1 million price tag, while annual docking fees might come in around $265 per foot for, let's say, 112 feet of fancy boat. A seven-course tasting menu at Daniel, meanwhile, costs $234 per person, and presumably there are two of you, because you get two rocket spots. Then there's the $2 million that's just handed to you, and then there's the ambiguous cost of space travel, which might range between $250,000 per seat and $58 million or so.

If I am doing the math correctly, that's either $4,371,866 or $119,871,866—before you add in the cost of two actual people, a figure I am not equipped to calculate. The "perks" might definitely outweigh the price of the actual apartment, and so I ask you: Is this a generous attempt to court elite buyers, or is it a plot to—when the time is right—send them on a one-way trip to their final frontier, where the aliens we now know exist can deal with them? Is this the new normal for sky-high real estate deals, or is it a honey pot set out to attract the .001 percent before letting them fly through a literal moon door, never to be seen again?