What You Should Know About Quitting Coffee

I am attempting to detox from coffee. I noticed recently that my intestines feel like they're twisting into constrictor knots, a phenomenon I, with no medical expertise whatsoever, decided to attribute to my daily four-cup coffee habit. In order to fix this, I am weaning myself off coffee. It is fucking terrible, and you can do it too!

It's not that coffee is so detrimental to your health—in fact, medical professionals say that drinking regular amounts of coffee can prevent death from heart disease, diabetes and other diseases, stave off suicide, pump your body full of antioxidants, and help boost your metabolism. So yes, that college friend you had who was so high and mighty about never drinking coffee will probably die first. Sad for her.

Of course, when you start drinking so much coffee you can't remember what water tastes like, or dream of the day you can inject caffeine straight into your eyeballs, it might be a good idea to cut back. Caffeine can mess with your sleep cycle, dehydrate you, give you diarrhea, and even cause irregular heartbeats, convulsions and dizziness. Here are some things that will happen to you if and when you attempt to rectify this:

You will experience physical pain.
Some people quit cold turkey, but in my experience, the best/only way to quit coffee is to wean yourself off of it. Like any drug, caffeine withdrawal has some pretty severe side effects. A caffeine headache feels like a small creature that dwells in your frontal lobe has decided to bore an extra large hole in it, perhaps to build him or herself a garage or panic room cellar. Drink tea like a classy British person and put lots of honey in it to make that garbage palatable.

Everyone will hate you.
I am very grumpy today, and I was very grumpy yesterday, and the day before that. I have taken this grumpiness out on my coworkers, my editor who sits next to me, and that publicist who just called to deliver a pitch on the phone ("TIPS - T-I-P-S. AT. GOTHAMIST. DOT. COM. GOTHAM-IST). If people are turned off by your newfound unpleasantness, or try to smile at you or even look in your direction, throw something at them. They deserve it, those caffeinated bastards.

Good luck pooping.
Caffeine is pretty good at getting your bowels nice and loose, and when you cut down on it, constipation is likely. Expect those three slices of pizza you just ate to live inside you for a long, long time.

The world feels sad and grey.
It turns out one of the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal is depression, since caffeine is often a mood-booster. In fact, researchers have gone so far as to categorize caffeine withdrawal as a mental disorder, and if you have a history of depression doctors sometimes recommend you talk to a healthcare professional before altering your caffeine intake. On the flipside, heavy caffeine consumption could potentially worsen depression and anxiety, too, so weaning off coffee could actually help if you're in a particularly dark period, though you'll have to suffer through withdrawal to see any actual results.

It's hard to do things. Or care about them. Or stay awake.
Another fun symptom of caffeine withdrawal is a lack of motivation, which explains why it's taken me like three hours to write this goddamn blog post. I could ruminate on this further, but I don't feel like it.

Sometimes the room will spin really fast and you'll think that you're dying. But you're not. Potentially.
Tell my coworkers they can have the pens in my desk when I die.

As you can see, caffeine withdrawal is unpleasant, to say the least. Still, there are some benefits—once properly withdrawn (it can take as much as two weeks, provided you're not going cold turkey), you can start communicating with humans pre-coffee. Words will look like words instead of weird squiggles before you consume your morning cup. Plus, you'll potentially drink more water, instead of reaching for a diuretic like coffee to hydrate/procrastinate at the office. What a bonus! Up next: quitting alcohol.

[Editor's note: The author of this article still drinks coffee.]