Starbucks Unveils New "Blonde Roast" In Desperate Attempt To Make Less-Sucky Coffee

Probably still sucks

Sure, Starbucks, once you get past their Draconian laptop laws and offensive profiling strategies, makes a decent half-caf-no-sugar-vanilla-soy-extra-hot-latte. But for those who prefer straight-up coffee and not some abominable flavored monstrosity, tough bananas—Starbucks coffee has always tasted like bitter, burnt ass. Until now, maybe. The chain has introduced a new, lighter "Blonde Roast" intended to appeal to those with more delicate taste buds.

"We recognized the unmet consumer need for a super-premium light roast coffee, and our coffee developers went to work to craft a great-tasting, quality lighter roast coffee we are proud to stand behind," Cliff Burrows, president of the Americas for Starbucks said in a statement. Sorry, what "unmet need" is that, Cliff? Every bodega in the city sells coffee better than the dreck Starbucks churns out, but we'll give this new Blonde roast a shot in the name of fairness, all while wondering what Comedy Central special the chain will rip off next.

The new chain will launch in Starbucks shops and grocery stores in January. While you wait, read up on the many, many reasons that Starbucks coffee tastes so horrifically bad. (Hint: it's science.)